So I had a really interesting conversation with my health insurance agent. It went something like this:
Me: “Well I’m getting married in a few months and I don’t see any maternity benefits on my current policy. Can I upgrade it to the $340 per month plan instead of the $220 one I have now? I’d imagine that one has the full maternity coverage.”
Him: “Well, actually…no. There are no plans that offer maternity coverage right now. Prenatal care and delivery is a big cost and insurance companies are treating it as a pre-existing condition right now, meaning as they see it, you’re coming in as a woman who will likely get pregnant and cost a lot of money. It might change after the reform goes into effect but at the moment there is no maternity coverage option I can offer you.”
Me: “So what you’re saying is, I just can’t have a baby? No fertilization until further notice?”
Him: “Well, no, you can, but it will be the same as say, an elective cosmetic procedure. You’d have to pay out of pocket.”
Yet, I know of a few people (and I am not hating or judging, to the contrary, I am very happy for them; I am simply pointing out for the purposes of comparison) who are expecting their first little ones AS I TYPE. And those ladies received the fruits of their boyfriends’ loins in an unexpected capacity. Hence it was unplanned. Hence they weren’t/aren’t married. Hence they enrolled in WIC and other government programs, and all of their prenatal visits and the delivery and post-natal care will be taken care of. Again, not being snarky – I know, it’s a Christmas miracle right?! – I recognize the awesomeness of WIC, heck, my parents fell on unexpected hard times in the middle of my mom’s pregnancy with me and used WIC, so I’m here courtesy of the government.
However. I must express how utterly whack (yes I said whack) I think it is that the above conversation hath transpired.
So, let me arrange all this on a nice ceramic platter and garnish it with a sprig of mint for all y’all who aren’t picking up what I’m laying down.
I am left to select from the following options. Please listen carefully as our menu has changed.
A – I can get married, continue paying my monthly premiums for what I thought was pretty kick-ass insurance, then save up for the fertility treatments that we’ll need in order for the boy to knock me up. After the Great Fertilization doth occur, then we will face a cost anywhere from $10,000 for a completely natural and complication-free delivery in a hospital, to $50,000 plus if something untoward were to happen like say for instance they need to saw my ass in half in order to liberate my child prior to his or her untimely expiration.
B – I can just skip all of those pesky prenatal visits and ultrasounds and whatnot, then I can hit Home Depot and score one of those large blue plastic tarps used for protecting lawn equipment from the elements, spread that bitch out on my bathroom floor, wait to go into labor, and hope that things don’t get all natural selection on me.
C – I can cancel my wedding, find myself with my perpetual fiance’s child, and sign up for WIC.
But here’s what, ladies and gentlemen. I’d really just like to get the better insurance plan and pay the $340 or whatever monthly premium and do this all 2005 style. Yet because I work and my (soon-to-be) husband works and we both pay for health insurance, we are excluded from coverage for this. I’m not hating, I’m jealous. Where’s my cookies!? I wanna play, too!
This is utterly back asswards.
That is a hot, wet pile of corn-studded shit right there.