Has anyone ever used Opcon-A allergy eye drops?
Then had your pupil slowly swallow your iris in a black hole of vitreous panic? And leave you looking like a much more sinister Child of the Corn?
And convince you you’re possibly having a stroke or aneurysm and so he gathers you, blurry eyed and frightened, and carries you, your tear-damp face pressed to his shirt, in his strong arms, and he gently places you in the car at 11:13 pm and rushes you to the ER where they remove your engagement ring and shine lights in your eyes and slide needles into your arm?
And as you lay perfectly still in a large plastic cylinder for 42 minutes you try to come to some shade of peace with the actuality that you might, in fact, have some inoperable brain malady that will kill you inside of six months. And your eyes begin to fight the notion. But I’m only 31 years old…
And the tears just run neatly unhindered and backwards down the sides of your face onto the flimsy paper underneath you.
And you think my god, I might leave this cacophonous sleeve with my death certificate, and all it can do is shriek its rhythmic war cry at me as an insignificant segment of disposable tissue paper sings harmony to its finality hymn under the weight of my hopeless form.
And then the screaming stops, the lights come up, the world is still. And you and your try-to-be-brave-for-him collapse together on the other side of the door, into his waiting arms, as he slides the ring back onto your finger. And 13 agonizing minutes later, the attending slides the future back onto your life.
And it’s determined that you had a bad reaction to the active ingredient in the drops. And they advise against further use.
And they remove your IV, and he helps you get dressed because you’re such a baby about IVs, you’ll drag your left arm limp about your side for days. And they hand you your discharge summary and your $8,430 bill and send you on your merry way.
Hey Bausch and Lomb, can we get like a warning label or something? What does a girl have to do to initiate a large banner on the back of the bottle? A sort of “hey, by the by, the active ingredients in this here aqueous suspension may or may not cause pupil dilation of the ‘lose your shit’ variety, so if that happens, the odds that you’re suffering a stroke or a massive brain tumor are slim to nil enough to wait until morning”.
Merely a suggestion. I shall fold it and drop it into the suggestion box.
Toast is very happy that his mother will not have to be put to sleep.
Because then who would wake up at 3:18 am to let him out because he was disinclined to go potty before bedtime?