I wrote these about a month before Mr. PB and I went on our first official date. I gave it to him as a silly, mildly flirtatious joke in honor of Valentine’s Day’s impending heft. Apparently he printed my Commandments and has kept them in his desk drawer ever since, removing them at will and random for a thorough review. Ever the A student, that one. I’m of the opinion that every male should be issued a copy of this on his way home from the hospital, along with a birth certificate, social security card application, and various samples of infant formula.
Somewhere along the way, I realized with a shattering halt that I had made an egregious uh oh and left a very important point or two off of the Ten Commandments list. So egregious was this uh oh that I returned to my days as a romantic scribe and penned two addenda to this list. You’ll notice that number 11 is loudly absent. That’s because we seem to have lost it. Whether spoken or texted or marked onto papyrus and misplaced, Number 11 has disappeared. It’s been irking us both forever. I mean, really. Number 11 may have been a vital portion of Treat a Girl Right 101, and now it’s just vanished from the curriculum! This is a tragedy of Elizabethan proportions.
I am therefore opening the forum and accepting suggestions for a New and Improved Number 11, to be inserted in its rightful place between 10 and 12.
1. Flowers are because you’re in love not because you fucked up or feel otherwise obligated. The same goes for diamonds and other finery.
2. Gift cards are never ok. Ever.
3. Most girls are looking for love. “Real love. Ridiculous, Inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”* Most girls settle for mundane, boring, joyless, existing-alongside-one-another love. A princess does not settle.
4. When a girl is forced to admit she needs you to protect her even though her mom taught her never to need a man no matter what, you are to protect her at all costs as it cost her a lot to admit she needed you in the first place.
5. Sometimes girls get sick. We’re delicate. We get colds. We get flus and fevers. We bleed and get cramps and cry about stupid things like injuring beetles. At these times we require soup, camomile tea, cold compresses, heating pads, tissues, hugs and empathy no matter how much you can’t relate or find yourself mystified.
6. Bathroom humor is never funny. There are no exceptions to this rule. It becomes physically impossible to kiss a man who makes fart jokes, including but not limited to imitations or sharing of the real thing, photos, descriptions, or any other over-shares as defined by the author.
7. Bathroom doors stay closed at all times, no exceptions no matter how long the relationship has been in progress. This is the end of sex. See item 6.
8. Men who refuse to watch “chick flicks” are emotionally stunted and unsuitable for dating. In fact the term “chick flick” was coined by one such emotionally paralyzed male to marginalize any film that may portray or elicit feelings of any depth which would make all such men uncomfortable. It should be noted that the genre sells so well with women because they are all starved for anything of emotional substance in their own lives. See item 3. See also Twilight and The Notebook.
9. Nothing goes without saying. If a girl hasn’t heard she’s beautiful and that you’re in love with her in 8 months, then you stopped loving her and thinking she’s beautiful 8 months ago.
10. If a girl isn’t your whole wide world, if she doesn’t light each day and make restful each night, if her arms around your neck isn’t the best part of your day, if you don’t delight in giving her the world only to see her smile, it’s time to find a new girl and you’re doing no one any favors by ignoring this.
*Stolen from Carrie Bradshaw’s famous Parisian confession
12. Moments. Moments are a concept responsible for many of the common disconnects between men and women. You see, women require them. We thrive on them. They’re like water and sunshine to our saplings. Men are generally woefully inept at creating these moments, and when they do, by either accident, stumble or genuine intent, they tend to become uncomfortable as their male DNA begins to squirm and they feel an uncontrollable need to ruin said moment by offsetting any sweet sentiments uttered (sometimes accompanied by a kiss, a caress, a soft brush of the cheek) with, say, bathroom humor, or reference to a part of her anatomy as being in league with her value from an emotional standpoint.
Princess Commandment #12 hereby forbids the shattering of such beauty by any of the above like so much breaking glass.