I am Toast. This is my post.
My mommy and daddy are finally getting married! This is quite a relief because they have been living in sin for nearly two years and I fear lightning every time I step into the big outside in their presence.
Daddy has been very busy building various items for the ceremony. He returns from Home Depot with bags of stuff and somehow turns it into large canopies and curtains that stand up all by themselves in the yard. Mommy has somehow been making roses out of paper. There may be sorcery at work; I will make note of this and present my findings at the next meeting of the Toasters. I hope Mommy and Daddy are not sorcerers, I do not want to burn them at the stake, especially right before their wedding.
I have been attempting to get Dixie Chicken and the Fluffer Wolf to walk in a straight line down an aisle made of blankies just in case they ask us to be part of the ceremony. I have seen this on Animal Planet and I already own a tuxedo; I look quite dapper in my tuxedo.
Unfortunately, these two do not follow instructions. I do not understand why it is so difficult—even drunks can walk in a straight line, why not a fluffer wolf? Yet every few steps he has to stop and play with Dixie Chicken, then we have to start over. After three days of practice, I feel this may be a lost cause.
It has been very festive at the house. Last week they had bachelor and bachelorette parties. I do not know what this means but it appeared to be a traumatic evening for all involved. Daddy’s friends returned him home late at night covered in glitter and smelling of cheap perfume and desperation. He either went to a strip club or got mugged by Lindsey Lohan, I am not sure. Mommy came home late too and her clothing was covered in pictures of penises. I think she may have robbed a lingerie store too; she had bags of new sexy-time clothes and no receipts.
I still have much to do. I volunteered to test the cake, BBQ, and various snacks to be distributed at the reception. It will be a lot of work but it is the least I can do. I have a discerning palate and am an excellent judge of fine cuisine. Normally I would charge for my services but I will do this for free, as my gift to Mommy and Daddy. I have already tested some of Mommy’s handmade paper roses, they were delicious.
In a moment, I will continue my search for the elusive “Honeyfund”. I overheard Mommy and Daddy talking about it the other night. Apparently all the guests have been contributing to it so I imagine it is nearly full by now. Toast loves honey and I need to find it before the others do. I have been trying for nearly two weeks with little success. Mommy and Daddy are excellent at hiding things. I will not give up though, I am a tenacious Toast.
That is all.