I am Toast. This is my holiday post.
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, except for me, Toast.
As you can imagine, this is a very busy time for me. I do not know how it works exactly but it starts with the tree covered in lights growing in our living room. Then Mommy puts out a plate of cookies and milk (which I must guard from Dixie Chicken and Dakota the Fluffer Wolf). It is an offering for this fat man who breaks in during the middle of the night (somehow bypassing the alarm). He eats the food in exchange for presents which he then leaves beneath the tree for me and maybe the others – they are more than welcomed to the items I do not want.
I do not understand this exchange. The value of the presents far exceeds that of the cookies. This is not a sound business plan.
Through the Google, I have learned that this man creates a list of people and categorizes them as either “naughty” or “nice” and this list is used as the basis for the presents he leaves behind. This year, I plan to wait up for him because I have been creating a similar list in anticipation of the Zombie Apocalypse. My list includes the names of people who should be saved and those who should be fed to the zombies. While the purpose is slightly different, I believe my list could be of use and possibly save him some time. I also want some cookies and I can’t reach them without help.
I do not believe he should eat so many cookies anyway, he is clearly unfit and it is not healthy. It is probably not wise to drink so much dairy at his age either. Toast likes milk. He does this at many houses, not good and I would like to help. Perhaps he will be willing to employ me as a nutritional consultant. Perhaps as a cookie tester. I am willing to entertain offers.
There are several rumors – many believe he travels by sleigh pulled by flying reindeer. This is silly, everyone knows reindeer don’t like to pull sleighs, fluffer wolves pull sleighs.
Besides, what would happen if a fat man in a fluffy red suit appeared at a TSA checkpoint with thousands of wrapped boxes in a sleigh pulled by reindeer and tried to file a flight plan? I’m not exactly sure but I know I would switch lines if I were behind him.
I do not think he flies. Last year I watched him leave in a white panel van, that makes more sense. Although, this is the signature vehicle of serial killers. Considering he only works one day each year, you’d think he’d put more thought into his transportation choice. He has time.
His ability to get in and out of the neighborhood also concerns me. We live in a gated community and the security office does not call us in advance of his visit. If they did, I would not have to wait up. Perhaps I should contact the HOA. Maybe they will be willing to take a break from writing letters instructing residents to pressure clean their driveways and watch out for the strange fat man in a red suit wandering the streets.
He clearly has a drinking problem too, you can tell by his flushed cheeks and nose.
If he did not bring presents, I would not trust this man.
I do have the utmost respect for his use of child labor. Particularly his decision to label them “elves”. This is very clever. Let’s be honest, nobody knows what an elf looks like and from a distance any child will fit the bill. Well played, Mr. Red Suit Guy, well played. Also the placement of his work camp at the North Pole of the big outside – DCS won’t travel down the street, they’re not going to the North Pole. This is pure genius. Not bad for a functioning alcoholic. I imagine this is where all bad kids are sent.
Note to self: do they accept fluffer wolves?
I see that Daddy just poured another glass of this magical elixir called eggnog and left it unattended so I must sign off for now.