I am Toast. This is my post.
As I draw an X through the last day on my 2013 Grumpy Cat calendar, I have decided to take a moment to document my new year’s resolutions for 2014. After much pondering (I tend to ponder), I have been unable to come up with anything wrong with me. I am a perfect Toast; I have nothing to change. If the rest of the world were as perfect as me, there would be no problems. We would live in a world of double rainbows, warm blankies, and magic Greenie producing machines.
Considering all others should aspire to be more like me, I have created a list of resolutions for each of you to add to your own list. They are in no particular order but are obviously more important than whatever you currently have on your list so they should be placed at the top. Even though some of these may seem specific to me, you should add them to your list anyway because I said so. This will assist you in the larger resolution of aspiring to be more like Toast in the new year. If you have any questions, see resolution #1.
1 – Never question Toast
2 – All Fluffer Wolves should be locked in giant hamster balls (or wheels if space is limited) at least 18 hours per day
3 – Run at least two laps around the kitchen island before and after every meal to remain fit
4 – Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” so Dixie Chicken can no longer read my email
5 – Get Mommy on board with 3:24 AM water/snack break
6 – Log into LegalZoom.com and create Toast, LLC
7 – Expand my empire by developing Toast merchandise for Toast, LLC
8 – Finally patent my time machine under Toast, LLC
9 – Buy tickets for Grumpy Cat the Movie before it sells out forever
10 – Find a better hiding spot for my toys, ideally behind a Dakota-proof forcefield (note to self – file patent for Dakota-proof forcefield under Toast, LLC)
11 – Store food behind all the pillows in the house in preparation for the impending zombie apocalypse
12 – Convince Mommy and Uncle Jon they need to root for a better football team, Toast prefers a team capable of making the playoffs. I have buried my Steelers jersey beside my Dolphin jersey in the far corner of the back yard; a place of old bones, broken toys and other shattered dreams. On a calm day, I sometimes sit out there and listen for the faint sound of failure and fallen heros on the wind (it sounds a lot like Roethlisberger; “hut… hut hut,”). I reserve the right to reject all new jerseys; I must look dapper or the new team should not be considered. Perhaps Kansas City; I look good in red.
13 – Delete everyone I don’t actually know from my Facebook friends list
14 – Write another letter Congress, firm up date for National Toast Day
15 – Move all cats to North Dakota (other than Grumpy Cat of course)
16 – Move all Fluffer Wolves to South Dakota
17 – Install a webcam on the border of North and South Dakota and sell the rights to Fox (deposit funds to Toast, LLC, then convert to Greenies since money will be useless after the zombie apocalypse)
18 – Set up recurring appointment with Julie the Toast Whisperer
19 – Arrange the blankies in my bed in order from lightest to darkest, front to back, respectively, as they should be
20 – Find out what the cloud is and why everyone is moving there (note to self – possible real estate opportunity for Toast, LLC)
21 – Instruct cable company to move Animal Planet to channel 1 – it is difficult to enter 437 with paws
22 – Test all Christmas cookies on the kitchen counter, ensure they are still safe to eat (note to self – I’m a short Toast and may need help getting on the counter)
23 – Find out what “twerking” is
For those of you who live in the up north of the big outside, please also add:
– Stop licking frozen flag poles
– Only eat white snow
– Instruct parents to remove snow from patio prior to 3:18 AM tee-tee time
– Do not eat snow from the patio or snow removed from the patio (just in case)
I want to get a good seat for the annual Cracker Drop from Oat’s house at midnight so am signing off for now.