I am Toast. This is my post.
Unless you live under a rock more than one hundred miles from the nearest Walmart or McDonalds and do not have a television or internet access, you know that January 10th is perhaps the most important date in all of documented history. It is a day in which all creatures large and small put aside their differences and contemplate the greatness that is Toast.
It is my birthday!
While all my birthdays should be celebrated with the greatest of enthusiasm, this one is particularly noteworthy because I have crossed over into double digits.
Toast is 10!
I am now an old Toast. I am a crouton.
I will not dwell on this.
As I’m sure you’ve gathered from my previous posts, I am a very positive Toast, a water-dish half-full Toast (if you have not gathered, I suggest you go back and read all my previous posts at least twice before completing this one – feel free to take extensive notes – do not return until you are done gathering).
As a positive Toast, I have determined that with age comes wisdom. While I have always been a wise Toast, now that I am ten, my wisdom is nearly overflowing. I find it difficult to contain – I may have left some in the kitchen. If Mommy asks you about that stain on the kitchen floor, be sure to tell her it’s just wisdom.
With age also comes gray hair. Luckily, I am very distinguished. Much like George Clooney and Richard Gere, the salt and pepper look works well for me. Should it get out of control, I have a backup plan –
While my birthday was clearly the highlight of 2004, other less notable things happened that year. I like lists, therefore I have made a list. Here is my list:
– #1 Book – My Life by Bill Clinton
– #1 CD – Confessions by Usher (I still dance to this regularly)
– #1 Movie – Shrek 2
– #1 TV Show – American Idol
– #1 Song – Hey Ya by OutKast
– Janet Jackson had a wardrobe malfunction
– George W. Bush was the Time Magazine Person of the Year
Wait, none of this is about Toast, therefore it is irrelevant. Forget my list.
As she does every year, Mommy cooked me a birthday steak. Yesterday I placed an order for a nice cut of Kobe beef served medium rare with a side of asparagus and a nice glass of chardonnay.
Unbeknownst to me, the Fluffer Wolf supervised its preparation.
Knowing that Mommy is a former waitress, I did not expect errors, however, my steak arrived slightly undercooked and she forgot my wine. I blame the Fluffer Wolf, he can be very distracting. Perhaps if she didn’t insist on preparing my meal dressed in her bed clothes…
I may have eaten my entire steak before bringing these mistakes to her attention. It was still quite delicious.
Because Mommy plucked her from the streets of post-Katrina New Orleans, we do not know Dixie Chicken’s exact date of birth. I permitted her to celebrate her birthday with me. It was quite an honor but I am a magnanimous Toast.
I would have shared my steak with my Daddy but since he just had his birthday last week, I was sure he’d rather I eat it.
I know what you are thinking – what does Toast want for his birthday and after I buy it for him, where should I send it…
This is understandable. In order to help everyone partake in such a large project in an organized fashion, I set up gift registries at PetSmart, Pet Supermarket, Pet Supplies Plus and Office Depot (I need some office supplies, do not judge me). Unfortunately, when Mommy found out, she made an executive veto. She said I have enough stuff and no place to store more. I pointed out all the room in her closet.
She was not amused.
She came up with another idea. She would like everyone to buy pet supplies and donate them to their nearest animal shelter in my name (it is Toast, spelled T-O-A-S-T). Since that is how we found Dixie Chicken, I am on board with this decision. All this good will will go a long way when it comes to finalizing National Toast Day – I’ve been waiting nearly two weeks for Congress to get this done and they are still dragging their feet. I do not understand, they are usually so productive.