I am Toast. This is my post.
During a recent patrol of my house, I encountered a hellish obstacle. At some point during the night someone erected this Great Wall of Wood on the stairs separating the lower portion of this dwelling from the sleeping quarters. I did not approve this construction, nor would I had I been properly consulted in advance. I attempted to contact the local building inspector’s office in order to lodge a complaint but I was dismayed after twenty minutes in auto-attendant purgatory – do they not understand how difficult it is for a Toast to “press 1 for this” and “press 2 for that” when I have to deal with paws? iPhones are not puppy-friendly. (Note to self, lodge complaint with Cupertino, research Galaxy S4.)
The Great Wall does have an opening just large enough for me to pass but I am very hesitant; I put no faith in construction which failed to go through the proper permitting and inspection process. Because I do need to get to my bed and my food (inconveniently located on different floors of my house) I have no choice but to venture through this hole while traversing the stairs; I am a brave Toast in need of rest and sustenance. I have included a video which clearly demonstrates my ability to overcome such obstacles.
After breakfast I retrieved by favorite blankie (for moral support) and established camp at the top of the stairs in order to observe this structure and determine its purpose. The following is a log of my observations:
10:41 AM – Mommy and Daddy both passed through the Great Wall without incident. Apparently it’s hinged. I sense Daddy was involved in the construction, he is very clever.
11:03 AM – Dixie investigated the structure for a moment, then quickly scurried through the hole. She is reckless – her actions clearly show a disregard for her own well-being. I will report this to Mommy.
11:27 AM – The large feline! It has emerged from it’s room and is venturing out. I cower in my corner, hoping it cannot see me beneath my blanket.
11:27:04 AM – The feline sees me! Holy hell, I have no escape route!
11:28 AM – The large feline has moved on without incident. I have relocated to coordinates I will not disclose for fear of discovery. I still have a clear view of the Great Wall and I have successfully retrieved my blankie.
11:31 AM – I believe I have made a significant discovery. Dakota the Fluffer Wolf (my arch nemesis) approached the Great Wall from downstairs and due to his size, he is unable to pass through the opening. He is clearly frustrated because the large feline is watching him from the other side and he is unable to give chase. It’s a sad day to be a wolf.
11:46 AM – I have spoken to my daddy. Apparently I was correct; this terrible gate is here to protect the ostensibly valuable life of that obese feline. I do not see the point, but I have no say in such matters, for I am only a Toast. While I am grateful for the wolf-free zone created in the upper floors of my dwelling, I informed him that I will not allow this structure to remain. He said we can’t allow the wolf to eat the feline, I told him I did not see the downside should this occur – it was a very heated debate and I had to spend significant time chewing my blankie to recover from the stress.
Update: Daddy approached me today with a possible solution. He designed a device that will prohibit the wolf from approaching the feline even if they are in the same room without the need for a gate. He also said he found a company willing to manufacture the device – a description can be found here:
I beg of all of you to visit this link and click on “Vote”. Daddy needs a certain number of votes before they will build it and this device must come to fruition – not only will it keep the wolf away from the feline, I can use it to keep him away from my toys, my food, from me – the wolf has no place in my life and the Toast is very excited!
In the meantime, I must endure the Great Wall.
Together, we can overcome – power to the puppy!
That is all.
Are you still reading? I am done, there is nothing else to read. Quit wasting time and click on the link above and vote before time runs out. If you don’t, I will track you down. I am a resourceful Toast.